TW: Suicide
As I lay on the floor writing my final goodbyes to my husband and my boys, all I could think about was that they would be better off with me gone. I just want the pain to be over. My heart hurts so much. My husband will be able to find the wife he really wants and hopefully she is a better mom than I have been to my boys. I am not enough for any of them. I hate myself. Look at me. I am so fat and ugly. I know that is part of the reason we keep fighting. He is not interested in me anymore. How could he be? I can’t even stand looking at myself. I have thought about this moment for a while now and I know it’s the best thing for me. We have been in counseling for months now and nothing is getting better. I am tired of crying. I am tired of trying. I am tired of just being tired. I know my boys will be sad, but they are young and will heal from this. I thought this mom thing would be a lot easier. My boys hate me. They don’t even respect me. No matter what I say to them they don’t listen. So many people have something to say about how I mother them. I yell too much. I coddle them too much. I need to do things differently with them. So they must be right. The pills are right there. The orange bottle with the white top is how you are going to do this. If you are going to do this…just do it. This is it. How many is enough to get the job done? I can’t take this anymore. Grab the bottle girl and take them. Doesn’t matter how many..just do it so the pain can finally end. Send your husband a text and tell him you love him and that this is the end – goodbye!
I took those pills and laid on the floor and waited for it to be over. Tears rolled down my face as I closed my eyes, letting the pills do their thing. All I remember was my husband busting through the bedroom pissed off at me. He shook me and started yelling at me to go throw that ish up. He got me up and somehow got me to throw up all over the bathroom floor. I was even more hurt because I wanted it to end and I could not do that right. I could not do anything right. I got in the shower and just cried. I failed! Or did I? Was this a sign that I was not supposed to do this? Am I a horrible person for doing this? Shame instantly hit. How could I attempt to take my life. That is not how I was raised. I just gave up on myself, my kids, my husband and my family. He came back in the bathroom and was like you need to tell your mom or I will. He was so angry with me. He just kept calling me selfish. He wanted nothing to do with me that evening. I remember laying in the bed crying because I just did not know what to do.
The next morning was strange. I woke up to an empty bed. Things were already tense between us but that night made it worse. I noticed that all the pill bottles were gone from the room. My husband walked in the room and said he was just checking to see if I was still alive but he did not want to talk to me. The boys were still sleeping in their beds. I got up to kiss them both and just watched them sleep. To think I almost missed out on being their mom. I just sat by their sides and cried while they slept. Was I being selfish trying to take my own life and leaving them without a mother. Did that make me a horrible mom like so many people made me feel like I was? So many thoughts went through my head. I did not want anyone to know. I was embarrassed. I was scared of what people would think of me. I was worried that if I told anyone they would report me and I would have to go away. He reminded me that I needed to tell my Mom or he would and that scared me most. A week went past and we had another couples counseling session. The one thing I thought he would keep between us he did not. He came to our session and told our counselor what I did. I was so angry with him. I remember walking out of the session because I was so angry and hurt. Why could he not keep that to himself? What if
our therapist decided to have me committed and I had to go away? Shame is all I could feel. Our therapist had to extend our session that night because he was so concerned. He told me that he should report this, but decided not to. He told me that I had to do daily check-ins with him.
We talked about how I felt, what made me make that final decision, if I still haveb thoughts to do it again, and what he would do if he felt like I was going to try again. I finally got the chance to really talk to my husband about why I did it. I explained to him that I thought he would be better off without me. I explained to him that I was hurting and a part of me wanted him to hurt too. I also got to really hear how he felt. He was a little right in calling me selfish. Because at the moment it was all about me. I did not care how it would make them feel I just knew my pain would be over. It was hard for us after that night. He did not trust anything I did. I felt like he was constantly watching my every move. Counseling helped us both express how we felt about that night and how to effectively move on from it.
The day finally came when I had to tell my mom. She cried for a long time. She could not
understand why I would do such a thing. She felt like she failed me as a mom. How did she miss the sign is all she kept saying. She was so hurt and was trying to figure out who she could vent to about it. She called my good friend from work and told her everything. She knew we were close and wanted someone to watch over me at work. I remember when I came back to work she just hugged me. It was a long hug followed by tears. I was not sure what or why this was happening because I did not know she knew. She finally told me that my mom called her crying and told her what happened. I felt this gut punch to my stomach. It felt like she would look at me differently and judge me. Instead, she just loved on me.
That night taught me a lot about myself. I learned that loving myself is the only way I could truly love my boys and my husband. I learned that I need to trust people enough to talk to them when I am hurting. I am still working on that. Motherhood is hard. As moms, we need to start giving ourselves grace. Just because people have things to say about how you are mothering, you don’t have to listen to them. You have to do what’s best for you and your children. You don’t have to be a perfect mom. Just be a MOM that loves your children.
At first, I was afraid to write about that night. The shame came back. I felt weak all over again. I thought about how people would look at me. I cried as I wrote this. But then I realized, girl this is part of your story. This is the reason you are such a great mom now. That night helped shape you into the person you are today. I know my life has a purpose and I want to be able to share my story. When you feel like you can't take it anymore, find someone you can talk to who will listen to you. I am so glad to have a village of people I can go to when I am feeling down. This month has brought up some raw emotions from that night and writing this blog has helped remind me that I have so much to live for and to love on myself just a little more.
Whew, I just need a hug after this!
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