It’s been a year of letting go. But I didn’t know that on January 1st or even February 1st or March or April or May or any month or date until…November.
I’ve fasted and prayed, meditated and talked about it with friends. I journaled and wrote and I did all the things. But, I did them centered on the wrong thing.
In all of this, I did it centered on external change. I wanted a different relationship with my daughter. A different engagement with my wife. A different perception of my career and work with students. A different way that people engage with me (sometimes I feel like my kindness and love is expected instead of desired when it changes how people receive it… it changes if they are grateful when I show up consistently or upset that I missed a day or event). A different this and a different that, but it was all external. I prayed for miracles and perspective but the insight only came when I started to think…oh, it’s me. I have to change. Or rather, oh it’s me…I am the one that’s changing.
You know, Onyx’s tagline is “Transformative Healing” and so I think about transformation, evolution, and change a lot. And I’ve changed in so many ways. From my childhood to who I am now… so many versions of me. All timely and what I needed.
But this transformation feels different. I didn’t want it or ask for it. And I’m not even sure what the new version of me will look like…but I know the time is now. I’m too uncomfortable. Too uneasy. Too challenged. Too aware. Too…too. And remember that ole’ saying, “If you have an issue with one person/thing, it could be that person or thing. But if you have an issue with several people or things, it could be you.” And in this case, it’s me.
I didn’t do anything wrong, per se…except not growing when it’s my time to grow.
I’m like a plant with roots that are extending outside the planter. I need to be repotted and continue to grow. It’s not the pot’s fault that I need to change…and it’s not my fault that I need to change…I just do. So I need to let go of this version of me. I’m curious who I’ll be on the other side of this transformation.
So, how do you know when it’s time for you to change? What area or areas of your life are really uncomfortable right now? Are you looking out… or looking in?
Let me know.
Smooches
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