What does it mean to be alone? Not having anyone present with you.
What does it mean to be lonely? It’s the feeling you have when your need for social contact and relationships aren’t met.
Man, I feel lonely and alone even in a home full of family.
Trapped in this apartment, all alone. Beige walls with white trim. Counting every speck or
error on the walls. Feeling like I can’t move. Room darkening curtains to keep the light out.
Light reminds me of happiness and right now I am not happy. I am dark–just like those curtains. Looking at the walls wanting to scream. I just want out. I just want to feel something other than loneliness. Crying because I just want to be held. Surrounding myself with pillows to feel like I am being hugged by someone. Snuggling up with my pink Valentine's bear because that’s the only contact I have with someone other than myself. I yearn for physical touch, but have to be mindful of my family members who are not as physical as I am. I hide away in my room so my feelings don’t get hurt when they don’t want to hug me or spend time with me.
But dang…it hurts. I just want to jump on them and hug them. I respect them enough to not do that, but can they love me enough to give me what I want too? Am I being selfish? Am I making it all about me? Should I care about their feelings over mine? These are all questions I ask myself before I react.
I walk into a crowded room only to stand in a corner with nobody there. How can I be so upset about being alone and feeling lonely when I choose to find a place away from them. I feel awkward around people I don’t know but then feel sad when I am alone at an event. Why is that? Does that mean I am a glutton for punishment? I yearn for connections. I yearn to be around people. I yearn to be embraced with open arms. Yet…I find myself hidden away from the world in the corner. Just recently I noticed myself doing this very thing. I was at a party and trying to enjoy myself. I was downstairs mingling (a little) and something inside of me said, “This is too much. I can’t engage in these conversations. I don’t feel like I belong in this space.” As the music played, folks enjoying playing games and conversing, I walked upstairs and found myself in a corner on the couch playing monopoly on my phone. I remember someone came in, sat next to me and just started talking. OMG it was everything I needed. I finally felt a part. I was no longer alone, even though I was the reason I was alone in that spot in the first place.
Verywellmind.com says, “While common definitions of loneliness describe it as a state of solitude or being alone, loneliness is actually a state of mind. Loneliness causes people to feel empty, alone, and unwanted. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with others.” (Kendra Cherry, MSEd). This quote describes every feeling I have about being alone and being lonely. There is an unwanted feeling I get when I am trapped in the room alone while my family exists outside the door. I know that I can open the door and engage with them, but something inside tells me to stay put in the room. I don’t do rejection well, and the fear of them saying, “not right now” or, “get off me” keeps me from wanting to try. When I do it and I hear those words, anger takes over me and then I lash out on them, which is not fair to them. I start yelling which leads to crying and then everyone is mad. So I stay locked away to try to keep my emotions in check. But it causes a sense of loneliness that I just can’t shake. So how do I fix this? How do I stop feeling so alone at home and outside at events? The first thing I need to do is encourage myself. I must stop letting fear determine how I react in certain situations or events. I need to discuss my needs and how I feel to my family in a way that works for all of us. Respecting their boundaries while getting my needs met will help us all navigate through this. I also need to get off social media more. I find myself constantly on it and seeing what others are doing especially when I am alone, and it gets me mad all over again. I also know that my biggest problem is I need to find things that interest me and get back to doing those things so that I can be around like-minded folks and I feel like I belong. It will allow me to feel a part of something and not so alone all the time. I was a part of various groups back in Los Angeles, so I just need to find those groups here in Maryland. Let me get to work! I also need to get out of this room and open up these curtains in the morning, so my life is not dark all day like they are.
You got this Aisha!!!!
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